Well whad’ya know! Uncle Haddock is back after a break; I have a six pack by my side and European clowns on my mind. It is a rainy Sunday, I have nothing better to do, so I thought, why not share with you the saga of a decrepit geopolitical circus of 27 jokers, each juggling their own flaming torches, squawking parrots, and dog-eared roadmaps?
The EU, fancying itself as a swaggering superpower, is doing all this while trying to crash the global geopolitical party. But in reality? They are like a traveling circus that can’t find the Big Top. With Hungary, the Czech Republic, and Poland doing revelatory dance moves in opposite directions, and big shots like France and Germany tripping over their own bloomers, the EU’s quest for world-stage glory has turned out to be a bad slapstick routine. Toss in a wheezing industrial engine and a desperate hunt for cheap fuel, and you’ve got a bloc that’s less “global titan” and more “global tiktoker.”
The Circus Acts
Grab your beer and picture Ursula von der Leyen as the caravan’s bobbed tour guide, trying to herd her cats on roller skates. Her grand “Global Gateway” plan to rival China’s Belt and Road has only €10 billion of the promised €300 billion. Never mind that. She is out preaching “geopolitical relevance” as she waves a tattered EU flag, while Viktor Orbán photobombs her speeches with pro-China selfies.
Then there is Charles Michel, the European Council president, who remains concerned about who gets to sit in the EU’s big chair at summits. He even went into a fight with bob Ursula over the same. But I don’t blame him. Ask Roberta Metsola and she would probably agree, given her failed endeavours in trying to rally 705 MEPs who agreed on nothing except the lunch menu. She had pushed for a unified EU stance on Ukraine. What did happen? Poland and Hungary played veto-ping-pong.
Talking about Hungary; Viktor Orbán comes across as the caravan’s unicyclist who is on his own trip pedalling toward Beijing and Moscow while showing Brussels the middle finger from time to time. In 2024, he vetoed EU aid for Ukraine so often (50 times, per some diplomats) that the bloc looked more like your neighbourhood kids being driven to madness over the boy who abandons the match after getting bowled, grabs his bat, and heads home.
Poland, Czech Republic are out there strutting like peacocks as they wave the EU flags while moonlighting as pragmatic dealmakers elsewhere, all too aware of the EU’s carrot and stick game. Then you’ve got France, auditioning solo for “strategic autonomy”. But Macron’s precious autonomy keeps getting slapped by his wife, probably for being the youngest in the entire family (he is even younger than his sons)! While Germany sneaks glance at Russian gas pipelines, as Merz talks big about rearmament. Makes you wonder how much of it is about actual rearmament and how much of it is about Rheinmetall stock prices.
This caravan’s so scattered, it’s a miracle they don’t end up in different continents.
The Data
Data backs this clown show: the EU’s 2024-2025 budget debates saw 63% of parliamentary votes split along national lines, per Politico, proving the bloc’s leaders can’t even sync their watches, let alone their geopolitics. The EU’s industrial output is flatter than a French crepe left under your old iron, with Eurostat clocking a pathetic 0.8% manufacturing bump in 2024. Germany, the bloc’s economic strongman, saw its factories shrink by 2.7% in Q1 2025, gasping under sky-high energy bills and a Chinese import addiction. Eastern stars like Poland, Hungary, and the Czech Republic, despite slurping €250 billion in EU cohesion funds by 2023, are losing steam as geopolitical jitters from the US and China dull their shine.
And oh, the fuel fiasco! This circus’ hunt for cheap energy is like detective-duo Thomson and Thompson (from the Adventures of Tintin) driving through the endless Middle Eastern desert and from one mirage into the next. Russia’s Ukraine war sent oil prices moonward, with Brent crude spiking 30% in 2022. With gas prices still 20% above pre-2022 levels (EIA data), these leaders are stuck begging for LNG scraps. This EU divorce from Russian gas (once 40% of its supply) has become a hot mess. France’s methanization push (10% of gas in 2025) has been more like bringing a squirt gun to a forest fire. But it could be a hoax for all I know, because while Germany and France bicker over nuclear vs. green dreams, Macron hoards subsidies on the side. And Germany — like a caveman taken for a ride — sulks over lost Russian gas.
The Future
Recent blunders seal the deal. The EU’s 2025 enlargement talks with Ukraine and Moldova? Pie-in-the-face moment. Mario Draghi’s 2024 cry for a “radically different” industrial plan? Ignored. In response, different nations hoarded subsidies like the BLM thugs that ransacked those electronic stores back in 2020. Heard of something called Synthol injection? Google that, and you would understand the exact condition of EU’s “economic statecraft” today as it faces the future sans the mandatory industrial muscle.
So, no censorship here this Sunday guys; just a packed circus tent! The EU’s leaders are trying to direct a geopolitical blockbuster, but sometimes Hungary, sometimes Poland, and sometimes even Ukraine… steals their popcorn, lights up a flap of their circus tent, and runs away.
