“Failed” Marshall, generalissimo Asim Munir, Pakistan’s self-appointed philosopher-king, decided to take his one-man clown show to the Land of the Orange Man, and boy, what a spectacle it was! Picture a guy who thinks he’s channelling Zhukov but lands closer to a late-night infomercial host peddling knockoff lighter. This wasn’t a visit; this was a crash landing of a circus of bad ideas that makes you want to dissect this wreck equally carelessly.
Failed Marshall and his beloved dump-truck
So, our choice of failed-Marshall (thanks Raja Muneeb and Aadi Achint for coining this rank) gets off the aircraft once he is sure of his tough-guy squint that he had practised hard in the plane bathroom. He then decides to bless the world with his vehicular poetry. India, he proclaims is a “shiny Ferrari” (yes, thank you very much), while Pakistan is a “dump truck”, built to last.
Built to last? Really? Flat tire, cracked windshield, sputtering engine… with the muffler dragging sparks since India turned those army bases into abstract art forms and that nuke dump at Noor Khan into a slow burning bonfire. And I am not even talking about the country’s economy and the famous begging bowl that keeps popping here and there. But what the hell; let us not be picky and enjoy those metaphors. It is a rarity. Even our well-known poet-painter-philosopher-politician this side of the subcontinent has better sense than to compare their own domain with a dump truck that hauls garbage for a living.
Nuking half the world
So, yes failed-Marshall, we are with you. As for those pesky ones among you viewers, just to be sure that you are not changing channels, generalissimo makes sure to crank it up with threats to bomb Indian dams. With missiles. Diplomatic finesse a la Pakistan. And just when you thought he has peaked, he tosses the nuclear warhead to bring up the climax. “If we go down, we’re taking half the world with us”.
Really? Half the world? Quite ambitious even for a guy whose nukes just got a complimentary redecoration courtesy of Operation Sindoor. You’d think getting your fighter jets and airstrips turned into modern art might inspire a touch of humility. But no sir, not Munir. He is all about channelling his inner apocalypse preacher: I’ll just double down and scare them from Times Square, and hope that they forget that my nukes are dumpster fire. Subtlety is for suckers.
Paradise minus the suicide bomb
But don’t blame him alone. There is this wild rumour galloping across the social media that Munir is playing court jester for Donald Trump; he is the newly anointed attack-dog for South Asia. Trump, never one to miss a chance to hog a spotlight, reportedly slapped Munir on the back at a White House shindig, claiming he “stopped a war.”
And Munir, basking in all that neon glow probably thought this was paradise, minus the suicide bomb. I am guessing in all that headiness he forgot that PM Modi had said the ceasefire was a military-to-military deal, not a Trump-orchestrated pageant. As he forgot about the Pakistani diaspora outside his hotel serenading him with “dictator” and “mass murderer”, like it’s open-mic night for a protest reality show audition.
Cheers dump-truck poet!
Threatening nukes and dams while your bases are still smoking from India’s last visit. Comparing your country to a gravel hauler. Making your guests wonder on your choice of recreational drug. Prompting the social media to hazard if you have sawdust for brains. Got to hand it to the man for raising the curiosity levels of the entire world. By the way, if this is Uncle Sam’s idea of rattling the Asian geopolitical cage, let us see how “unsettle the subcontinent” works out when India’s got longer missile range and shorter temper.
Meanwhile here’s to Asim Munir, the dump-truck poet laureate, jumping for coherence and landing in cuckoo land. South Asia is too busy laughing to be scared, and India by now has probably got a missile with your name on it, just in case. But keep at it, by all means. The world needs some comedy, and you seem just the right kind of support for the lead comedian.
